LIBERATING OURSELVES... LIBERATING THE LOVE

“Dreaming of being brought up free from the interference of patriarchy”

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Dealing with the ongoing crusade on ones life from the side of such complex systems like capitalism, nationalism or patriarchy, one discovers always the new terrains of the social relations one is involved in, as well as the most personal areas of own life being polluted by their aggressive penetration. This is at least what I experience since years. One of such terrains where the patriarchal and capitalistic dogmas celebrate their daily impact is the area of partnerships/relationships based on desire and love. Let’s call them here simply “love relations”. Due to complexity of the topic I will pass over in silence the impact of capitalism here.

I was born in Poland in semi-hard-core catholic family. It means, the attitudes and “truths” like e.g. heterosexual hegemony, strict man-woman categorisation, homophobia or puritanism (all in not that radical, but still persuasive versions) became somehow automatically a constant part of my socialisation. I just didn’t have any other choice, than to take during the first 15 years of my life all the patriarchal inheritance this society has to offer … to take it on my “armless me”. So I have mastered the “how to fulfil my gender role”, as well as the “there is man and woman and everything else is sick”, the “the only socially accepted form of relationship is monogamy”, the “my partner belongs only to me”, the “infidelity calls revenge”, the “the patriarchal model of family is the perfect social unit on which society is build”, and this entire holly true one just take at first as a fact, without questioning. However, I have to admit – it could be worse! I was at least lucky that the direct patriarchal commands of total character were never practiced on me. I mean, I was not told to marry with 16 (mostly women case) or didn’t get “one way ticket of socialisation”, landing in the role of a chief, an officer, a leader and a father as soon as I was physically ready for it (mostly men case). But still, I woke up as rebellious teenager with huge burden of patriarchal determined manners, ideas and behaviours and it took me quite a long time to realize that fact. And a lot of years to fight it back. And being honest, I still am waking up again and again, discovering the new shadows of patriarchal inheritance driving my personality.

The chain of experiences with love-relationships, I went through during all these years, shows perfectly how deep all these shadows were and still are hidden in me. Since many years I consider myself an anarchist and I am still far from being able to state: “Brothers and sisters - I have got rid of all patriarchal thoughts, manners and behaviours. I am free – you don’t need to be scared of me”. Each relationship I approach (and the mutual-experiences taking place there) appears still to be quite an intensive process of questioning my perception. I know it all can sound pathetic, as everyone gathers experiences during her/his life. But I am focusing here specifically on what I have understood and learned about the sources and effects of dogmatic hetero-monogamist understanding of love relationships, of “fidelity”, jealousy, “infidelity”… and of how long it takes a person brought up in patriarchal environment to reach the level of consciousness which allows oneself to liberate her/him self from it. What I have gained I wish to share – as I may be not the only on this world dealing with these problems…

So … where did I arrive after all these years of painful (and regrettable) deconstruction of patriarchal mind-sets in my personality? What do I think from today’s perspective about the issue of love-relationships? What did I learned that would be worth sharing with others, in order to spread and speed up common process of liberating ourselves and “liberating the love” (in terms of reaching egalitarian social relationships on this area)?

I think we should not lie ourselves talking about free-love today, while the most of us are similar poor creature like me, whose personality has been shaped from patriarchal plasticize, still hardly reaching more unleashed shape. Actually, today love as such is far from being free. It is maybe free in the same way as some thousands of Zapatistas could consider themselves to be free: in some places, in some moments, with some comrades, to the certain level … till the global reality doesn’t hit back. But in general, love waits to be liberated through crash of patriarchy’s determinative domination. And everyone can do a lot for this … (is it not one of the best sorts of inspirations to fight back the chains of patriarchy: to liberate love?!)

According to my experience, this process can start with raising the consciousness of variety of existing forms of relationships and expressions of love: homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, autosexual, “nature-sexual” (love and sex directed to the nature instead of other humans), polysexual, Platonic love, monogamist, polygamist, triads, affinity love groups, polyamory, promiscuous, institutional marriages, spiritual marriages, group marriages, “community in marriage”, informal relation, open relation, long-term relation, occasional short-term relations, “traditional” family, extended family, with children, without children, single life-long, relation with much older or much younger (as long as they can be conscious of what is going on, in both cases), love in everywhere, domestic love, etc. This enlarging of our perception has to go together with raising the understanding of equal legitimacy and egalitarian social value of all of these “constellations”. How can these both aims be pushed forward under patriarchal dominance of today? Before the various systems of libertarian education can be set up, the most efficient way I see now is permanent, mutual and free exchange of experiences between the enthusiasts of all these forms and expressions. Obviously in nowadays circumstances some of the minorities are forced to use more offensive forms of public appearance in order to get through patriarchal dominance and spring up into public consciousness, while in the “better times” I don’t think that this “offensive character” should be necessary cultivate.

As long term goal, I see the wider social consensus on supporting free development of all these forms (as far as they do not transport any authoritarianism). To the constant elements of this consensus should belong, above of all the one of complete sovereignty in choosing own preferences, by every individual, according to own needs, values and lifestyle. Under this sovereignty is not only meant rejection of any direct intervention, but above all elimination of indirect indoctrination through media and other institutions. The individual decision on this terrain can/should be consulted basically with the partner(s) involved in the relation.

This fact opens another important aspect I have learned and would like to stress here. This is the importance of open and sincere attitude during the whole period of love-relationship, people should reclaim. It costs me personally some bitter experiences to re-learn the egoistic “attitude of self-protection” leading to insincere behaviours towards my partners in the past. This leads to misunderstandings in expectations and development of negative emotions. In harder cases, so welcomed in patriarchal relations, one side is very oft latently planning to take the other side in possession. These (in today’s people perception) “romantic plans” are actually so close from the dreams of domination, that I find it necessary to keep them out of the relationships and replaced by sincere (till pain if necessary) approaches from the very beginning.

Dozens of myths being reproduce on this terrain through patriarchal dogma, among them this of the “one life - one partner” (in whatever, homo-, hetero-, other- relations), or the one of “belonging to someone”. They are to dismantle as well for other simply reason: in order to decrease a level of sufferings, embitterment and disappointments. Too many people suffer today unnecessarily in their “love”-relationships, because they are afraid of quitting them at the right time; but too many suffer as well the long-term psychical tortures as a result of loosing a partner. So if love is so constantly connected with suffering - how we can about it to be free... In this case, after extinguishing one relationship (or just extinguishing the true emotions in there) people should be psychically ready (able) to undertake the new experience. Each “end” should be welcomed by us as an invitation to the “new”. In this sense the end of a relationship should not be seen as a crisis in ones life, but as a fascinating phase, a beginning of a new chapter, so that all three phases of a love-relationship (periods of coming together, living in a relationship, and period of parting itself) would all carry the exciting and positive sort of emotions. Of course, being realistic, in many cases (because the emotions of two/three/… persons are almost never getting their hypes simultaneously) someone will always be put on the harder test of suffering. But the already mentioned means, like sincerity in each moment of relationship, better understanding of human emotions, giving up the patriarchal dreams of possessiveness and domination, as well as discovering the positive side of parting – all these aspects should bring the “bad taste of being left by a partner” to the very minimum. Routine and stagnancy are anyway infamous energetic-vampires. Not only on this terrain of love relationships!

However passionate the very long process of dismantling the patriarchal wicks of own personality can be, the chilling side of this evolution is the one of finding yourself on a lonely trip towards wonderful island placed in the middle of the ocean of patriarchal caused behaviours. Another lesson I learned. Individual self-emancipation does not put me (or anyone of us) in a more comfortable position. The old true comes back: one is free only within a free society - as well on the terrain of love relationships. Otherwise one reminds surrounded by people who (even if they pretend) can not deal in free way. Using my own “emancipated behaviour” towards those, whose understanding of this issue is far from my one, becomes sometimes very problematic, unfair and even authoritarian. Especially when one is conscious of these differences from the very beginning. This was one of the bitter lessons I have learned not such a long time ago confronting my partner with some of these ideas. Therefore I would like to stress once again that the processes of breaking chains of patriarchy can not be reduced to only personal level (what is to observe), but needs to confront as well all collective, social and institutional forces, which enforce and reproduce these chains.

Finally, after years of consequent confrontation with shadows left by patriarchal socialisation on my personality, including love-relationship-related fuck ups, I never got rid of one kind of jealousy. And I will probably never reach this point. This is the jealousy about those, who have the possibility to be brought up free from the daily interference of the patriarchy…

Love and Anarchy

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Veronika
January 2006